Janis Joplin was the original crazy rock and roll chick… not much to look at… in fact, she was downright homely -but something about those raspy Jack Daniels and Pall Mall abused pipes that knock you back three feet along with the knowledge that she could blow you, drink you under the table and then cheat on you with the same chick you cheated on her with just an hour earlier somehow makes her hot. This is a woman to procreate with. She’s a mover and a shaker. She gets things done… except for that time she shot up a bunch of smack and then fell over dead. That wasn’t too impressive… but hey -shit happens, right?
Admit it. You like Tina Turner… at first you were all like, “whatever” -but then that Thunder Dome movie came out and you couldn’t get that song out of your head and you were like, what is the deal with that crazy hair? … nice ass though… and then you found out she was 412 years old and you were all like, gross! But then you watched some of her videos from 1812 or whenever it was when she was smokin’ hot and you got a chub and well… let’s admit it -even though she’s roughly 600 years old now, you’d still hit it. Right? I mean she gets her blood changed out with that of a fresh young virgin white girl once a year and everything, so she’s still got it. It’s magic… what the fuck was Ike thinking…? I mean, this chick is hot and she was thin and she was making the fat bucks and he just kept beating her up? … wtf? Am I missing something here, Ike or are you just retarded?
Correction… retarded and BROKE, sucka… and let’s not forget dead. I guess old Ike couldn’t afford those black magic blood transfusions… wait?
What was I talking about?
Oh yeah. I’d hit it.
Wendy O. Williams
Wendy O. was the ultimate motherfucking crazy rock and roll chick! Fucking half naked chick in leather with a bright pink mohawk screamin’ and yellin’ and fucking destroying a car on stage with sledge hammers and a chainsaw and setting shit on fire and… I just came. This chick had that rare gift of scaring you and giving you a boner all at the same time… and that’s special. We need to honor that. Not to mention there is video out there somewhere of Wendy launching ping pong balls in all directions without the use of her hands or ping pong paddles… I’ll let your imagination fill in the blanks before you begin Googling like a madman.
I remember so many years ago when I was a young, oily and hormonal pubescent boy… constantly popping awkward boners in front of the television set when Sinead O’Connor suddenly appeared forcing all young males everywhere to ask themselves one very important question for the first time in their lives: “Would I fuck a bald chick?” I mean, after all -she’s got a cute face and everything… but really? … bald? But then, fifteen minutes later this train of thought was interrupted when her career abruptly came screeching to a halt after tearing up a picture of the Pope on live television… I’m all for bashing on the Pope but… yeah… probably not the best career move for a bald Irish chick.
Sadly, the last I’ve heard of Sinead is that she became a frumpy, crazy cat lady begging for someone… anyone to marry her.
I think every red blooded American male my age remembers exactly where he was the day Annie Lennox appeared on television and made us all question everything we knew about femininity in the form of this crazy neon red haired manly chick in a business suit singing about sleeping or something… wtf? So I guess it’s pretty ironic she resurfaced a couple of years later parodying cheap, slutty rock chicks and forced us all to realize something very important… namely, that Annie Lennox is actually pretty hot in this video… how in the fuck did that happen? I mean, I only mention it because she was so crazy ugly in that other video… what the hell is going on here? My penis demands answers.
Kim and Kelley Deal (The Breeders)
Again, kinda homely -but who can resist twin alcoholic, junky sisters singing songs that start out: “I got an empty case of Whip-Its”? Let’s face it, if you are ever approached by alcoholic, junky twin sisters and they inform you that they have an empty case of Whip-Its, I think you and I both know that you will take that ride every time no matter how homely they look. Don’t lie.
Of course, if only one junky approaches you with that line -feel free to set them on fire. The “double your pleasure” factor is sort of what sells it when you look this rough.
I hate Courtney Love… it’s not like I’ve met her or anything, but she seems like kind of a… what’s the word? …used up piece of trash junky whorebag. But I gotta admit, she somehow managed to look kind of hot every once in awhile when the lighting was just right and the heroin addiction was at a low point and the ravages of time had not yet set in… I mean -honestly, what man can resist watching a young Courtney Love rocking out and singing and doing what we wish all female performers everywhere would do… namely -whip out their tits in the middle of the song. Well played, Courtney Love… well played… but it’s still not like I would want her to touch me or anything though… or even sit on my couch, unless I could put some plastic down first or something.
Also, she killed Kurt Cobain… there… I said it.
Nina Gordon and Louise Post (Veruca Salt)
Now this is what I’m talking about! Hot chicks in bras singing and playing guitar and flailing around and stuff in these giant conical tube thingies… well, I guess I could deal with a little less of the giant conical tube thingies, but whatever -you get the point.
Also, it just occurred to me that a lot of these chicks seem angry at men… I wonder if it would make them even angrier to know that just turns guys on even more?
Shirley Manson (Garbage)
I guess a lotta these crazy rock chicks are probably damaged goods… that’s sorta what makes ‘em hot… until you start to actually hear about the abuse and the pain and the blah-bity-blah-blah… I guess there’s something hot about damaged chicks, but only if they keep their mouth shut about it so we can still pretend that everything is all rainbows and unicorns and it just so happens that some chicks like to drink and fuck and do drugs and rock out and are insanely hot and crazy all at the same time for no particular reason at all. Like this chick… she looks good… but the creepy pedo factor in this song called, “Thirteen” is WAAAY high and it brings the reality of damaged chicks far too close to the surface -not to mention, she appears to be constipated and on the toilet throughout most of this video and it’s totally destroying my chub. So stop it.
Babes in Toyland
These chicks are hot in a way that makes them seem like they might hunt down your ex-girlfriend, strangle her cat with their bare hands and then nail it to her garage door while she was away and that’s the sort of refreshing love and devotion we all look for in a relationship… but they cultivate this look they call, “Kinderwhore” -which aside from making their mom’s proud, really gets me back to what I was saying earlier about damaged goods and just not wanting to even go there and… well… I just grossed myself out again. These rock and roll chicks are a real roller coaster.
Lacey Mosley (Flyleaf)
This chick is tiny… seriously, she’s like two and a half feet tall. She’s so tiny they have to put her on her own separate stage on top of the first stage. But I’m pretty sure she swallowed a viking because when she fucking wails -grown men crap their pants. I think that’s hot. I don’t know why. Maybe a tiny chick like her who can wail like that has other miraculous super powers we can only speculate about.